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I’ve struggled with the feeling of “falling behind” in many ways.

Sometimes, I look on Facebook or LinkedIn to see where past high school classmates and college classmates are in their lives. Some of them are well on their way in their careers, having already completed their Master’s or the JDs (Juris Doctor). They seem to be content.

In reality, I know I have no idea if these people are happy or not. I am not aware of their trials and tribulations. I also realize that my view is skewed to notice those who seem to have fulfilled the promise of our “advanced” grade school and college educations, as opposed to others who may be in similar positions as me.

Current position:

  • Unhappy with job
  • Saddled with student loans from first degree
  • Stagnation educationally, professionally, spiritually

My feelings are not really rooted in needing to be equal or better than my peers or ex-peers. My feeling is more a dissatisfaction about where I am and a disappointment that I am not where I expected I would be. My standards for myself have not been met. Not to mention society lied about what life would be after getting the all-necessary college education.

I am not one to simply sit and accept unhappiness. In the near future, many of these things will be remedied, hopefully, by the actions I will take.

~~~

I’ve begun to feel this “falling behind” feeling in my personal life as well. This sickening feeling grips my chest that I need to catch up and make up somehow, for not going to that munch or that pagan event or doing that community service. I feel as though I am missing out. Missing valuable experience that I need.

I withdraw from or cease to actively seek “extra-curricular” activities as my discontent grows professionally.

Extra-curricular:

  • Paganism and Spirituality and Green/Organic Living
  • D/s, BDSM, kink
  • Exploration of my polyamorous nature

In withdrawing from these things, sometimes a conscious decision and sometimes not, I feel I’ve cut myself off… from myself and from the possibilities that would lead to my ideal and fulfilling life.

What is my ideal?

  • Multiple meaningful relationships, poly and/or D/s and/or otherwise.
  • Involvement with a spiritual community as well as a pagan group/coven.
  • Organic, crunchy, green living.
  • Possibly living in an intentional community and/or commune.

Add some butterflies and rainbows and gumdrops. Too much to ask for? :-)

~~~

In any case, the “falling behind” feeling is not emotionally helpful. I need to work towards being ‘ok’ (all Zen like) with where I am currently in addition to moving towards the things I want.

I need to de-program myself of the “life is a race” syndrome.

Life is not a race and there is no “proper position” that I need to be in at any given time. Sure, it may mean I may not have as much money as the next person by the time I’m 65, and yes, it may be better to have children earlier than later, but how important is money to me really (I can’t take it with me when I die), and in the end, it will be better to have children when I’m ready and not based on a biological clock.

I need to relax and be ok with what I am able to do and what I am not able to do at this given moment, knowing that in the future that will change.

~~~

A new reality TV show has arrived on Showtime entitled “Polyamory: Married and Dating.” I was ecstatic about the prospect of their being a TV show that actually reflects polyamory in a positive and complete light. Until now, the nearest substitute has been “Sister Wives” on TLC.

The polyamory show on Showtime has been disappointing in some ways but interesting to watch nonetheless.

I found myself itching to talk to…. ANYONE, about this show, only to realize that I had not logged on to Fetlife (which has lots of poly groups) in ages, my Polyamory Percolations forum nick had expired due to lack of use, and I hadn’t tweeted on Twitter in an age, I hadn’t used PolyMatchMaker or OkCupid in a while either. I hadn’t read any new blogs or commented on them.

I was very very much out of the loop and cut off from many poly/kinky/what have you outlets.

Conversation happening about Showtime’s “Polyamory: Married and Dating” in all of these places. I started writing comments and tweeting and posting as soon as I could.

I want to be a part of the conversation.

And I will be from now on. Through thick or thin, I will be posting something here and getting out there and talking to people.

~~~

A lot of changes are coming to my life soon. Here’s hoping things will only grow brighter from here. :-)

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